And, She Was Set Free

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       It is safe to say that I had a tumultuous past year and what not. It has caused me to wall myself up, become a little more recluse, and definitely more outspoken. Those all sound like bad things, but I do not necessarily think so. It has made me learn to depend on myself a lot more and to be a stronger person. Maybe some think I have pushed away but I just want to be independent. It has also taught me the value of my relationships with my friends and family. Needless to say, this past year has been an eye opener.

I have found that I need to be happy. No more putting everyone else in front of me. I have to take care of me before I can take care of anyone else. –But none of that will happen unless I speak up…some times YELL to be heard! After all, the way we treat ourselves bounces off of those around us and I do not want my loved ones to feel the way that I some times feel. Nor do I want them to bare the brunt of my negative behavior. This was an a-ha moment, but a constant challenge that I am learning to practice daily.

I have learned how to love differently and that the extent of my love is unreal. I have gained a new perspective for love and in being able to love. It has taken my whole appreciation to a new level and has heightened it. Love absolutely feels more amazing now when I connect with my relationships. I cannot help but to look at my loved ones faces and think, “damn, I just love ’em!” –and truly feel every word.

One of the best things I gained is the value of life. We live it, but most of us do not really LIVE it. We do what needs to be done, but do we bother to understand that we cannot get back that moment our child asked us to read them a story while we were cleaning up? Some things can wait. Life passes by too quickly. I want to savor all that I can and try to remember all of the little things. All too soon my little ones will be grown men and I do not want to look back and feel I could have done more. I want to know I did all that I could do and beyond. No regrets.

In a sense I found qualities in myself I would have never thought that I possessed. I found that I need to strengthen areas, destroy other ways, and evolve. No matter my faults and insecurities, I am worth it all. I will be damned to settle for less.

I have seen the lowest of lows in myself and suffered tremendous heartache. A heartache I wish on no one and one that will never be mended. A permanent hole. Yes, those do exist. Time does not do any thing. At least at this point, it has not for me. To me, it feels like time is taunting me. i hope people are right and that with time it eventually gets easier.  All I know is that I discovered my strength even when I thought I had none because of this tragedy. I seen for myself that I am tougher, more resilient, and one hell of a woman.

I have dived head first into a fire and burned for it, but it was in that fire I was forged, and out of that fire a phoenix was born…I found me.

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A Fairytale Taboo

Where do I start? I have been with my husband for fourteen years. It does not feel like it has been very long but people beg to differ. We were fifteen when we met and at sixteen decided we were in love. I have been told we are the “fairytale” couple. –That scares me. That feels and sounds like a taboo.

I do not, we do not, aspire to be a fairytale any thing. Our journey has not been perfect but we have managed to figure things out and stick together. I do not by any means think that people perceive our relationship to be perfect and dubbed it a “fairytale”. I know they feel like we are the perfect example of working things out and keeping things smooth. I understand not every relationship is the same. There are couples that like to argue, couples that are indifferent in many ways, couples that put up a facade and I know there are couples out there like us that scarcely hit any bumps.

People scoff at me when I tell them we hardly argue. It is possible. How? LOTS of communication. I have to say I learned a great deal from watching other people around me. I saw what they did or did not do in their relationships. I decided to take the good key elements and use those to build the foundation in mine. So far, it is working.

The biggest thing I learned was to never withhold any thing. Money, feelings, opinions, and especially love. I have watched relationships fail because two people focused on the financial aspects of things, some did not speak when they should have, others did not want to tell the other what they really thought. I know some want to cool down before entering into discussions, but some just avoid confrontation all-together.

What works for us? We do not walk away from each other. We try very hard not to yell because frankly, when one starts to yell no one is listening. We decided a long time ago we would not ever call each other out of our names and we would talk until we worked it out. A major pet peeve of mine, seeing couples bicker or cut down each other in public. Words hurt, name calling hurts. We refrain because you cannot take those things back. I do not want people to look at either one of us and have pity or prejudge any part of our life. A heated moment does not represent my relationship. A public heated moment makes for fools and does not properly represent any person.

I know it sounds corny, but Cliff and Claire Huxtable had it right when they said they agreed to never go to bed angry. So, we do not. I love my husband dearly and the last thing I want to remember is a bad moment, a moment I missed in loving him because tomorrow is never promised–or any next second for that matter. That last sentence probably represents my relationship to the core. I never want to leave this earth without saying or doing every thing I could have or should have. I do not want regrets, or any loose-ends. That is why I feel communication is the biggest key to our successful love.

When you gain the wisdom of being able to live each day as if it were your last, to love with every ounce inside of you, and to be the best person you can be, you become infinitely grateful for the things most people have not. Whether you think so or not, it also propels you onto a positive path for your life. Every one wants a positive path. Every person also deserves the best from you at least once. If they have blown that chance, walk away. No harm in saying you are done.

So, I ask you, did you part ways on a good note or a bad note? –And how does that make you feel?