And, She Was Set Free

10256377_10101216410340978_4847314541254902993_n

       It is safe to say that I had a tumultuous past year and what not. It has caused me to wall myself up, become a little more recluse, and definitely more outspoken. Those all sound like bad things, but I do not necessarily think so. It has made me learn to depend on myself a lot more and to be a stronger person. Maybe some think I have pushed away but I just want to be independent. It has also taught me the value of my relationships with my friends and family. Needless to say, this past year has been an eye opener.

I have found that I need to be happy. No more putting everyone else in front of me. I have to take care of me before I can take care of anyone else. –But none of that will happen unless I speak up…some times YELL to be heard! After all, the way we treat ourselves bounces off of those around us and I do not want my loved ones to feel the way that I some times feel. Nor do I want them to bare the brunt of my negative behavior. This was an a-ha moment, but a constant challenge that I am learning to practice daily.

I have learned how to love differently and that the extent of my love is unreal. I have gained a new perspective for love and in being able to love. It has taken my whole appreciation to a new level and has heightened it. Love absolutely feels more amazing now when I connect with my relationships. I cannot help but to look at my loved ones faces and think, “damn, I just love ’em!” –and truly feel every word.

One of the best things I gained is the value of life. We live it, but most of us do not really LIVE it. We do what needs to be done, but do we bother to understand that we cannot get back that moment our child asked us to read them a story while we were cleaning up? Some things can wait. Life passes by too quickly. I want to savor all that I can and try to remember all of the little things. All too soon my little ones will be grown men and I do not want to look back and feel I could have done more. I want to know I did all that I could do and beyond. No regrets.

In a sense I found qualities in myself I would have never thought that I possessed. I found that I need to strengthen areas, destroy other ways, and evolve. No matter my faults and insecurities, I am worth it all. I will be damned to settle for less.

I have seen the lowest of lows in myself and suffered tremendous heartache. A heartache I wish on no one and one that will never be mended. A permanent hole. Yes, those do exist. Time does not do any thing. At least at this point, it has not for me. To me, it feels like time is taunting me. i hope people are right and that with time it eventually gets easier.  All I know is that I discovered my strength even when I thought I had none because of this tragedy. I seen for myself that I am tougher, more resilient, and one hell of a woman.

I have dived head first into a fire and burned for it, but it was in that fire I was forged, and out of that fire a phoenix was born…I found me.

The Invaluable Gift

Do you ever look at your babies and get amazed? I mean really amazed. I look at my oldest whom is my twin, and often feel like I am watching myself grow up. I look at my second son and he is my husband’s twin. I feel like I am lucky to watch my husband grow and I can love my husband infinitely more. They give us the gift of living on. If you think about it, they give us the chance to mold ourselves for the better.

We get to teach them things we have learned along the way and of course, do much more for them than our parents could for us. I do not mean that in a spiteful way. I mean, chances are we make better livings and we are able to show them more through travel and education. My children are 4,3, and 4 months and they have already done so much more than I had at their ages.

I am in awe at watching them grow. It is enlightening to see the vision of things through their eyes and then to see an oh so familiar expression on their faces. I catch myself wondering if this is what my mother-in-law felt when she watched my husband sprout. It is a unbelievable feeling that I know I could not ever describe to any one, but I know that any parent out there gets it. Oh, what a gift!

Image