And, She Was Set Free

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       It is safe to say that I had a tumultuous past year and what not. It has caused me to wall myself up, become a little more recluse, and definitely more outspoken. Those all sound like bad things, but I do not necessarily think so. It has made me learn to depend on myself a lot more and to be a stronger person. Maybe some think I have pushed away but I just want to be independent. It has also taught me the value of my relationships with my friends and family. Needless to say, this past year has been an eye opener.

I have found that I need to be happy. No more putting everyone else in front of me. I have to take care of me before I can take care of anyone else. –But none of that will happen unless I speak up…some times YELL to be heard! After all, the way we treat ourselves bounces off of those around us and I do not want my loved ones to feel the way that I some times feel. Nor do I want them to bare the brunt of my negative behavior. This was an a-ha moment, but a constant challenge that I am learning to practice daily.

I have learned how to love differently and that the extent of my love is unreal. I have gained a new perspective for love and in being able to love. It has taken my whole appreciation to a new level and has heightened it. Love absolutely feels more amazing now when I connect with my relationships. I cannot help but to look at my loved ones faces and think, “damn, I just love ’em!” –and truly feel every word.

One of the best things I gained is the value of life. We live it, but most of us do not really LIVE it. We do what needs to be done, but do we bother to understand that we cannot get back that moment our child asked us to read them a story while we were cleaning up? Some things can wait. Life passes by too quickly. I want to savor all that I can and try to remember all of the little things. All too soon my little ones will be grown men and I do not want to look back and feel I could have done more. I want to know I did all that I could do and beyond. No regrets.

In a sense I found qualities in myself I would have never thought that I possessed. I found that I need to strengthen areas, destroy other ways, and evolve. No matter my faults and insecurities, I am worth it all. I will be damned to settle for less.

I have seen the lowest of lows in myself and suffered tremendous heartache. A heartache I wish on no one and one that will never be mended. A permanent hole. Yes, those do exist. Time does not do any thing. At least at this point, it has not for me. To me, it feels like time is taunting me. i hope people are right and that with time it eventually gets easier.  All I know is that I discovered my strength even when I thought I had none because of this tragedy. I seen for myself that I am tougher, more resilient, and one hell of a woman.

I have dived head first into a fire and burned for it, but it was in that fire I was forged, and out of that fire a phoenix was born…I found me.

Muting the Background Noise

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Lately, I have been discovering the importance of taking time to myself. I have three boys, and although it sounds like a lot, it does not seem so most of the time. There are days when it is more than I could have imagined, but nevertheless, it makes things fun and different. I can go day-to-day without ever skipping a beat, but every now and then a wrench is thrown into the spokes and I have to stop to gather myself.

I know some people think “How can you need a break? You do not even work?” A full time mom is a lot of work mentally, physically, and emotionally. You cannot put it down and pick it up the next day. Add to it the daily nuances and the once-in-a-blue-moon drama that occur from one angle or another…some times the pressure builds, and it becomes too much. In order to release the stress in a healthy manner I choose to venture away from home. It helps me clear my mind and not even think about some things without the background noise. It is that breathe of fresh air we all need every-so-often to renew ourselves.

There are some moms that think, “How can you need a break?” and some husbands whose first reactions are, “what is wrong here at home?” It is not the kids, it is not the husband, it is not the home environment. It is the need to step away and recharge, gain clarity, and take the pressure out elsewhere instead of on your loved ones. It is the simple pleasure of not having some one tugging at you, beckoning you, and just simply being able to think in one direction or not at all if you want. Go ahead and think, “Why not exercise or some thing?” I do. Five out of seven days of the week. It is my normal. I need some thing different. Is that too much to ask or do on occasion? And by myself if I choose? I do not think so. It is very important to not forget yourself, your own individual self.

Happy

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I was watching this lady across the street pull her two kids in a sled down the sidewalk. It made me think of my childhood and the many days spent outdoors enjoying nature. My parents pushed us kids to always play outside. They kept us active. Now, I do the same for my sons. I get a joy from being able to explore things with them from their point of view. I know many wish they can go back in time, but I am very happy with being an adult for the simple fact that I get to rediscover sledding, the beach, and the zoo with them. I am more able to take in the moment as an adult and I am more aware. It is a wonderful feeling. I would not trade these moments for any chance to go back. Ever.

The Best Extra Limb

Although It hurts me some times to see my four year old gaining his independence, my younger two sons are taking dependency to a whole new level. I wonder do other moms have this issue or is it solely the way I am raising them?

My youngest is only four months. I expect him to be attached to me because he is an infant. If he does not want to be away from me and in the arms of some one else, even my husband, he cries until I get him. It is not like he is not around other people, because he is. I have visitors every other day.

My middle son is going to be three years old. He is always near me. Some days, he is literally on top of me. There are times when I stumble over him because he insists on standing attached to my leg. This is not an endearing trait when I am trying to cook and I have to constantly remove him for his own safety. Or heaven forbid I need to pee for a minute. There go those fingers under the door and the, “Mom!!! Come out NOW!!!” My oldest even threatened to unlock the door one time to come in and get me-ha!

Do I attribute this to being a great mother or being too much of a mother? I know depending on the view some would side one way. I just know I am doing my best and whatever the case, these days are fleeting. Yes, there are days when I do not feel like an individual because they are attached to my limbs, but that comes with being a mom. They will be stuck to me like gum in my hair until they are teenagers that want to repel me. Then, I will want to be the gum. Leave it to me to always find that perspective angle.