The Raw Insight of Marriage or Any Couple

It has been a while since I have blogged. I have had some bumpy months. Although these past months were filled with many emotions and lessons I can honestly say that I do not regret them. I have to see the silver lining. The bottom line throughout all of these months: I learned again that the man that I married is not only my best friend, but my absolute heart.

Marriages always have their ups and downs, the secrets, and the greatest of memories. Every one is always so full of advice but no one ever wants to get down to the grit of it. No one tells you that you will have to learn to forgive and in some cases, forget. They hide the fact that some times you have to refresh things and some times, fall in love again. They lie about going from being in a relationship to getting married changing things. They also lie about how much children change things.

I feel as a mother it will be my sole responsibility to educate my children when they embark on a life of marriage or partnership with a person about the muck no one else wants to tell them. I felt like I had a curtain pulled away from my eyes when I had my first son, and now that I have been with my husband for fourteen years, I feel that the blurred is now sharp. Do I feel bitter? No. I feel enlightened.

Throughout the turmoil and the days when I felt like I could not possibly stand on my own two feet I found that I have angels at my back pushing me up and an extra set of hands and feet are keeping me pillared. My husband has been the mountain that never bowed even when I tried to knock him over. It is very true when you build a life with a lover that if they really love you they will stay no matter what (and I am not talking no matter what in cases of abuse, etc.) He stayed. He pushed. He held. He wiped tears. He yelled. He soothed and he said nothing.

There are times when we do not give our partners enough credit, or credit at all, when it should be given. We are not perfect and forget things, say things, and do things. What is important is to say that you are sorry, mean it, forgive, and move on. -And some times, forgive eventually. You are cultivating a friendship, a deep bond, not just a marriage. One does not drop when the other one starts and so many people lose sight of this and that is when a marriage can fail or break through the barrier.

I have a deeper respect for those that have successfully stayed together for many, many years. What I mean by successful is that they still are very much in love and not just living in the same house together. I understand that there are so many things that can break a couple apart. So many tragedies and some things that people are not willing to forgive and let go–BUT–I consider losing a pregnancy right under the worst things that could tear a couple apart (the first being the loss of a child). With that said, our loss could have torn us apart, but it did not. I cannot for the life of me look back and reason how it did not, because every thing seems like a blur. I only know without any doubt that if it were not for the man that I married I would not be where I am today.

I had always wondered before what people meant when they said they fell in love all over again and often thought “why would you need to?” I get it now. If we are lucky it happens over and over and with it comes a much stronger love than before. Even if it means climbing up the mountain, climbing out of quicksand, and swimming through the strongest currents. Sad to say that it also means there will come a time when you must tell people, no matter who they are, to stay out, and learn to ignore opinions and chatter. A relationship belongs to you and your partner, no one else, and in the end, it is yours not their life that you have to live. It is absolutely worth it when a connection is rendered unbreakable. There goes that saying, “If you can make it through this, you can make it through any thing.” Absolutely true. At least they did not lie about that.

 

Image

Photo Credit: Valerie Vasquez

Advertisements

A Fairytale Taboo

Where do I start? I have been with my husband for fourteen years. It does not feel like it has been very long but people beg to differ. We were fifteen when we met and at sixteen decided we were in love. I have been told we are the “fairytale” couple. –That scares me. That feels and sounds like a taboo.

I do not, we do not, aspire to be a fairytale any thing. Our journey has not been perfect but we have managed to figure things out and stick together. I do not by any means think that people perceive our relationship to be perfect and dubbed it a “fairytale”. I know they feel like we are the perfect example of working things out and keeping things smooth. I understand not every relationship is the same. There are couples that like to argue, couples that are indifferent in many ways, couples that put up a facade and I know there are couples out there like us that scarcely hit any bumps.

People scoff at me when I tell them we hardly argue. It is possible. How? LOTS of communication. I have to say I learned a great deal from watching other people around me. I saw what they did or did not do in their relationships. I decided to take the good key elements and use those to build the foundation in mine. So far, it is working.

The biggest thing I learned was to never withhold any thing. Money, feelings, opinions, and especially love. I have watched relationships fail because two people focused on the financial aspects of things, some did not speak when they should have, others did not want to tell the other what they really thought. I know some want to cool down before entering into discussions, but some just avoid confrontation all-together.

What works for us? We do not walk away from each other. We try very hard not to yell because frankly, when one starts to yell no one is listening. We decided a long time ago we would not ever call each other out of our names and we would talk until we worked it out. A major pet peeve of mine, seeing couples bicker or cut down each other in public. Words hurt, name calling hurts. We refrain because you cannot take those things back. I do not want people to look at either one of us and have pity or prejudge any part of our life. A heated moment does not represent my relationship. A public heated moment makes for fools and does not properly represent any person.

I know it sounds corny, but Cliff and Claire Huxtable had it right when they said they agreed to never go to bed angry. So, we do not. I love my husband dearly and the last thing I want to remember is a bad moment, a moment I missed in loving him because tomorrow is never promised–or any next second for that matter. That last sentence probably represents my relationship to the core. I never want to leave this earth without saying or doing every thing I could have or should have. I do not want regrets, or any loose-ends. That is why I feel communication is the biggest key to our successful love.

When you gain the wisdom of being able to live each day as if it were your last, to love with every ounce inside of you, and to be the best person you can be, you become infinitely grateful for the things most people have not. Whether you think so or not, it also propels you onto a positive path for your life. Every one wants a positive path. Every person also deserves the best from you at least once. If they have blown that chance, walk away. No harm in saying you are done.

So, I ask you, did you part ways on a good note or a bad note? –And how does that make you feel?

Small Helping of Gratitude

I could easily be one of those people that over looks the effort my loved one gives to me. Thank goodness, I am not. Every day I am thankful my husband takes the time to play with the boys, or to help me around the house. Through other social networks, I have noticed that I am lucky to have such a wonderful spouse. It seems he is a rare type of father and husband.

When I first started dating my husband his character was very important. I paid attention to the details. How did he treat his mother? How was he with kids? What was his work ethic like? I do not know why I did this at such a young age, but I am so happy I did. I picked a winner. If ever I have a daughter I most certainly will teach her to do the same.

Yet, I still wonder, how can some people take for granted the small things? I know some have O.C.D. and it can greatly interfere with relationships. I was very picky before about a lot of things. After watching the demise of some relationships close to me I learned…it does not matter. If I needed some thing to be cleaned so what if it was not done my way. So what. It was done. Some times I had to walk away while he cleaned some thing so that it would not irk me, but eventually it did not bother me at all.

I learned: Accept the help and be grateful.

Gratitude! What a word. It holds so much meaning and too many are not familiar with the word. Which leads me to believe this is the sole reason why they take people for granted. They were not taught the simplicity of gratitude. Some thing I will take great strides to instill in my children: be grateful. Even the smallest things count.

My husband does not have to be late for work and take the extra five minutes to play with my sons, but he does. Such a small thing to play for five minutes means the world to my son. Who knows, maybe it creates a memory they will have forever. Either way, I am one lucky and grateful lady.